


E! True Hollywood Story: Janet Snakehole

by torigates



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-19
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 12:56:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wild. Outspoken. Criminal. America's darling. These are just a few words to describe Janet Snakehole, a woman who, out of sheer determination became a figure of speculation and fascination. From her early life, to marriage, from her time on the run, to her arrest and subsequent escape, we will explore the life, the myth, the woman: Janet Snakehole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	E! True Hollywood Story: Janet Snakehole

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pollinia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pollinia/gifts).



**From the CONFIDENTIAL and PRIVATE file of Janet Snakehole; The Federal Bureau of Investigation**

Janet Snakehole was born [day and month redacted] in the year of our Lord [year redacted]. The eldest of five children, Janet was born to wealthy socialites James and Janice. Although she was not known as Janet Snakehole in those days, it was a name she would later adopt in life. She was born [full name redacted]. She would take her husband’s name after their marriage in [year redacted], and assumed the name Janet after the events of [several paragraphs redacted].

Janet was born into a wealthy lifestyle. The first few years of her life were filled with comfort and luxury. As the oldest child, Janet often had to watch her younger siblings, and as a result, she didn’t spend much time with children her own age. She spent most of her childhood daydreaming, and wandering around worlds of her own creation. She was a loner in school, and didn’t have very many friends. Not that she minded, of course. Whenever Janet’s mother suggested that she go outside to join her classmates, Janet would shriek at the top of her lungs, until her mother went away.

After the economic crash in [year and city redacted] Janet and her family had to become accustomed to a very different lifestyle. Gone were the socialite parties, the extravagant food, and toys, and clothing. This, however, did not phase Janet, as she was used to spending time by herself inside her own head. In a [year redacted] magazine interview, Janet would cite that childhood poverty as one of her motivating factors in life, and as something that pushed her to succeed and thrive in almost any situation.

Like many teenagers of the time, Janet spent a large part of her youth engrossed in [cultural phenomenon redacted]. She excelled in academics, and was later awarded a full scholarship to [school name redacted]. It was during her time at [school name redacted] that Janet would meet her future husband Dr. Ibrahim Snakehole.

Dr. Snakehole was a professor at the college Janet attended, and she was his student. The two of them entered into an illicit affair, one that lasted for most of Janet’s studies.

END EXCERPT

 

 

 

“We should take a holiday,” Ibrahim said. Janet privately thought Ibrahim was a terrible name, and refused to use it. She always called him Dr. Snakehole, which seemed to excite him most of the time.

He and Janet were lying naked in bed together, Janet’s head resting on his chest. She could feel the way his heart beat frantically. The pale grey afternoon light was streaming into the barren hotel room. They always met at the hotel, because of Mrs. Dr. Snakehole. Janet didn’t know her name, and tried never to think of her.

Dr. Snakehole was stroking his hand up and down her back, over her breasts and thighs. Janet knew he’d want to have sex again soon. She considered whether or not she would let him.

“A holiday,” she said.

He nodded, and his hand on her skin became more insistent, stroking her with purpose. Janet turned over, exposing her body to him.

“Where would we go?” she asked.

He shrugged and pressed urgent, heavy fingers into her flesh. She sighed and opened up her body.

“Wherever we wanted,” he said.

Janet found she didn’t care much whether or not they went on vacation. She didn’t care much whether or not they slept together now or ever again. She didn’t care much about anything, but it was something to do.

He kissed her mouth and she thought about palm trees.

They did take a holiday. To Morocco. They wandered around the city, eating, shopping. At night they made love next to an open window, the curtains billowing all around them. Janet could feel the sweet, hot air trickle across her skin. She thought perhaps, it was a lifestyle to which she could become accustomed.

When they came home, everything seemed a bit greyer. Ibrahim kissed her at the airport, and gave her money for a taxi. Janet took home all her packages and purchases and felt a little dirty. She knew she shouldn’t keep seeing him. She knew his wife would find out, and it would bring trouble for everyone, but that in itself was part of the appeal. She thought most days that she didn’t love him, but she could maybe come to love a life with him.

He wasn’t perfect, but neither was Janet.

 

 

 

 **From _Poisonous Venom: The Life and Loves of Janet Snakehole, Official Biography_ Chapter Seven, “Dr.  & Mrs. Snakehole”**

[...] Things could have perhaps continued in this manner had Janet not gotten reckless. She continued her affair with Ibrahim for several months after their trip to Morocco, and the two of them would often meet to make love in his office at the University.81 It was around this time that Ibrahim’s first wife became suspicious of his numerous late nights at the office. Janet would later reflect upon multiple occasions that, “It was only a matter of time until they got caught.”82 Indeed, many of Janet’s writings from that period in her life, both in letters to her sister and in her own journals, seem to indicate that she _wanted_ her affair with Ibrahim to become public.

In the spring of the following year, Janet got her wish. It was a late April evening when Yvonne Snakehole came to the university looking for her husband. According to witness reports, she walked into his office where Ibrahim and Janet were making love on her husband’s desk.

The events that followed are public record and well known.83 84 Both campus security and the police were called to break up the altercation, and Janet spent the night in a holding cell, charged with one account of assault, drunken disorderly, and nudity in public. It was not the first or last time she would be arrested.

What followed was a messy and drawn out divorce between Ibrahim and Yvonne. Ibrahim was advised by his lawyers to stay away from Janet for the duration of his divorce, much of his writing, both personal and professional indicates how much of a hardship this was for him.85 On the subject of her husband’s first marriage, Janet remained uncharacteristically silent, saying only once on the record that she “found the whole process taxing.”86

His divorce was finalized two long years later, and although there remains almost no verification from either party, speculation has always wildly circulated that Janet and Ibrahim continued their affair during the entire ordeal. After that, Janet knew it was only a matter of time before he would propose. When he did she said yes. [...]

 

 

 

Janet found she quite enjoyed married life. Her husband kept her in the finest clothes, they travelled frequently and to exotic places Janet never dreamed of visiting before.

When she was a little girl and taking care of all her siblings, Janet never imagined she would have ended up here. She soared higher than all of them, she knew. Her sister was working in a factory, and although her younger siblings were still in school, she didn’t think any of them would go to college like Janet did.

She was the best of them.

Sometimes when her husband was teaching, or away for a conference, Janet would wander around their big empty house, and wonder how she ended up where she did. If that little girl who took care of her siblings, and fed them and clothed them, and got them all to school on time, if she would be proud of the person Janet grew into.

She was never sure.

Ibrahim’s salary at the university meant she didn’t have to work, and at first Janet relished in the opportunity. She was living the life she should have lived, had things not gone wrong for her family when she was a child. She attended fancy society parties, and was a member of several fundraising committees.

She was important, she mattered. Sometimes she would even see her face on the cover of tabloid magazines. People wanted to talk to her, to know what she was doing, what she was wearing, they wanted to know about her life.

The novelty soon wore off. More importantly, the _excitement_ wore off. Janet was bored of her society friends. She was bored of her house, and the places her husband took her, and her clothes, and the magazine interviews, and the tabloids, and everything. Every day was the same. Every month, every year. Janet wanted something new.

 

 

 

 **From the personal correspondence of Janet Snakehole, a letter to her sister dated March 17, year illegible.**

[...] I didn’t realise things were so tight at home, financially. Things are never easy with mom and dad, but you’ll just have to manage somehow - I did. Things don’t come easily for our family, they never did. You just have to make it work, because mom and dad aren’t going to do it for you. I don’t think they’re capable of helping their children.

Our family always had bad luck. Things were always difficult for us. I know how heavy the burden that responsibility is, and I’m sorry that it’s fallen onto your shoulders. If I could help, I would, but you know how mom and dad feel about my relationship - my money. They’ve barely spoken to me since the wedding.

You should come and stay with us, at least for a week or two. It would be good for you to get away from that house temporarily. Ibrahim wants to take me to some conference he has to attend, out in the middle of nowhere. It’ll be completely boring and terrible, but it would be good to see you, sister. You could come, Ibrahim will cover all the costs. I think we’re staying at some quaint country mill, or something equally terrible. There’s supposed to be a lot of famous art on display, you know, boring society stuff.

Let me know what you think, I’d love to see you. [...]

 

 

 

It was a conference just like all the others Janet had been forced to attend.

Janet felt more comfortable with her sister around. She felt more comfortable in her own skin than she had in a long time. When Jamie had stepped off the plane, Janet stepped forward to embrace her sister.

“Why are you hugging me?” Jamie asked.

Janet wiped her eyes. “No reason,” she said.

Jamie looked at her. “Well, stop it.”

Janet nodded once.

Ibrahim took them to the site where his conference was being held. There was a “picturesque” country hotel beside a refurbished mill that was currently being used as an art gallery.

“What will you do today?” he husband asked.

Janet shared a look with Jamie and shrugged.

Ibrahim kissed her forehead. “You girls have fun,” he said.

Janet nodded and he clutched her fingers.

They wandered around the conference, not really talking or looking at each other, but Janet was happy her sister was there with her.

“Do you want to go see the art?”

It was a strange request coming from her sister, but Janet didn’t think anything of it. They made their way over to the art exhibit inside the converted mill. It was empty. Janet thought there should someone there, a curator, someone.

She watched her sister wander around the room, running her fingers over the glass cases of the displays.

“We could take these paintings and run,” Jamie said, turning to face her.

Janet turned. Her sister’s eyes were bright. She wasn’t speaking hypothetically. “This isn’t the way,” Janet said.

Jamie sneered. “What’s the way, Janet? Meet a rich, married man and convince him to marry me? Abandon my family?”

She narrowed her eyes. “I _tried_. Mom and dad-”

“Mom and dad _nothing_ ,” Jamie snapped. “If you wanted to help, you would have.”

“Jamie,” she started.

Her sister shook her head. “No,” she said. “This is happening. You can either help me, or get out of the way.”

“How long have you been planning this?” Janet asked, her voice calm, her eyes accusing.

Through the back door, there were men loading the paintings onto a truck. Janet reached out for her sister’s arm, but Jamie shook her off. Out of her pocket she withdrew a lighter. Janet took a step back.

“No,” she said.

Jamie flicked her wrist, and Janet was surprised at the sudden heat that engulfed them. Things were moving too quickly.

There was a loud bang, and suddenly Ibrahim was there, clutching his chest. Janet wanted to go to him. She wanted to go with her sister. She wanted to stop this. She wanted to get away from it all.

Her sister stared at her, and around them the flames grew higher.

 

 

 

 **From _Poisonous Venom: The Life and Loves of Janet Snakehole, Official Biography_ Chapter Ten, “On the Lamb”**

[...] After the deadly events at the mill Janet disappeared completely from the public eye for several years. She had been a prominent social figure in the years and months prior, and yet she managed to completely disappear from view after her husband’s death. Perhaps she thought this would take her out of the spotlight and help her elude the authorities seeking her for murder and theft. Yet Janet’s disappearance did not dissuade the public’s fascination with her. On the contrary it only seemed to fuel the fire (no pun intended). Speculation circled wildly on the subject of her guilt or innocence, and where she was hiding.

Although there is very little information that comes directly from Janet herself, there is no end to the media’s imagination regarding her whereabouts and ongoings. In the short years that she was gone from the limelight there were countless articles written,111 television documentaries,112 a made for TV movie,113 and even a feature length film.114 Even after her resurfacing and subsequent arrest (and later escape) Janet would never publicly comment on her husband’s death or her years on the run, except to maintain her innocence.

It is wildly believed that it was during these years that Janet first encountered FBI Special Agent Burt Macklin.115 Many sources116 speculate the nature of the relationship between Janet and Agent Macklin. Janet herself hinted that there relationship was more than just (accused) criminal and officer of the law.117 

Sources at the FBI were unwilling to confirm or deny the possibility of a romantic relationship between them. [...]

 

 

 

The first time Janet met Special Agent Burt Macklin in person, he handcuffed her to a bicycle rack. Of course, that couldn’t keep her contained for very long. The first time she became aware of his existence, he forced her to vacate a perfectly good apartment in under two hours.

She never forgave him for that. It was an excellent apartment, and Janet always did like Chicago.

She never did learn when Burt was assigned to her case, but over the years, the two of them had multiple encounters.

It was the last one that haunted Janet’s dreams.

He tracked her down at the Snakehole Lounge. Janet knew it was foolish to return to her husband’s hometown, especially when so many of his relatives knew her face and suspected her of Ibrahim’s murder. It was a special night, however, and she couldn’t resist.

“Janet Snakehole,” he said when he saw her.

“Agent Macklin,” she said with a nod, scoping out the nearest exits.

“Ex-Agent Macklin now,” he said with a sardonic grin. Janet raised an eyebrow. “I was framed,” he said.

Janet looked at him, and crossed her legs. “I can only imagine what that must be like for you,” she said.

“The only difference, Snakehole,” he said. “Is that I’m innocent.”

Janet stood, then. “I think I’ll be going now,” she said. “If you’re no longer an agent, you have no power to arrest me.”

He grabbed her wrist. “If I bring you in, they’ll let me have my job back.”

She put her other hand on his cheek. “Oh, darling,” she said. “I can see you really believe that. Poor dear.”

His grip tightened. “Don’t mock me, Janet,” he said, voice rough.

She laughed outright. “My whole life is a joke,” she said. “You’re just now getting in on it.”

His fingers curled around the bones in her wrist, grinding them together. She stepped forward into his personal space and lifted her chin. She watched the way his eyes darted down to her lips, and then back up to meet her gaze.

“I didn’t kill anybody,” she said. “And I didn’t burn down the mill either. My sister did it.”

“Such family loyalty,” he said with a sneer.

“I’m alone,” she said. “I only look out for me.”

He twisted her arm behind her back and Janet pressed into his warmth.

 

 

 

 **From the CONFIDENTIAL and PRIVATE file of Janet Snakehole; The Federal Bureau of Investigation**

Special Agent Burt Macklin was first assigned to the Snakehole case in [year redacted]. He worked on the case for several years, making significant progress tracking her through [several countries redacted], however Janet continued to elude capture.

With the events of Agent Macklin and the President’s rubies [several paragraphs redacted] Macklin was suspended from duty, and removed from the case. Agents Paula Harris and Franklin Jones took over the investigation, however both would later report that they believed Agent Macklin continued to look for Snakehole using his sources both inside and out the FBI.

Much has been recovered from Agent Macklin’s own investigation, as he kept fastidious notes and records [located in Appendix 34E]. Though speculation abounds surrounding the exact nature of Macklin and Snakehole's relationship, at this time the FBI is not willing to conclude whether or not any breech of protocol did in fact occur. Given Agent Macklin’s dedication both to the bureau and the Snakehole case, further investigation is not required at this time.

The exact events of [date and location redacted] are unknown. At approximately 22:00 Agent Macklin contacted Agents Harris and Jones with rumored reports of Snakehole’s scheduled whereabouts for that evening. Agents Harris and Jones rushed off to apprehend Snakehole, but by the time they arrived she had fled the scene. When the forensic team was called in, the body of Agent Macklin was found in a dumpster behind the building. Evidence suggests Snakehole herself is culpable [coroner’s report and forensic evidence in Appendix 35A].

Agent Macklin was posthumously reinstated to full agent and awarded the Medal of Valor.

The whereabouts of Janet Snakehole are currently unknown.

END EXCERPT 


End file.
